why did my heart always falls for the wrong person?

Save the Queen.

In the early month of this year, I have lost myself in total confusion about life, and the meaning behind it. I was stuck with this problem of mine that I did not share with anyone, not even my parents. It struck me hard, and I fell down deep.

Last semester was probably the semester that I wouldn't know a single shit that I studied. I started to study for the exam the day the study week starts, which is only for a week. And by that, what I meant is, that before the study week commences, I hardly even go to class, tutorials, and sometimes, even lab sessions. that's how far I've lost myself.

Maybe you thought that I was cracking jokes, making up stories about me being lost, and couldn't find myself. Well, truth be told, I don't need to prove anything to anyone. At least, I know it's the truth.

When I went back to Malaysia for winter break, I still have some confusion in myself. I got angry easily, hard to smile, to say the least, I didn't feel like being myself.

When I got back to Sydney, somehow, I think the confusion has cleared. And I felt the feeling of being home. Actually, I tried to memorize the feeling of being at home while in Malaysia so that I wouldn't feel so homesick when I got back to Sydney. Hehe.

And here's the main point of this post. There's this girl. That I didn't remember knowing, who happens to be on my friend list in Facebook. She's pretty, and quite tall, I presume. Well, physical appearances aside, I read her blog yesterday. I don't know if I am too 'syok sendiri' or 'angau' etc, but man, I think she has the same thought about life, like me. I don't know if you get the point, but every time I read a post, I always nodded and smile and say, "yeah, I would do the same as well. lulz!"

But you know. I suck at approaching girls. Really. Dah la tak reti nak borak dgn pompuan, dia duk jauh pulak tu.

But again, she sparks something in me.

I need to meet her. I don't want the friendship to start from Facebook's private message. That feels stupid for me, and annoying for her, I'm sure. At least after we meet, she would know who she's talking with.

My life has aims again, thanks to you. Fizzy - cola.

endeavour.

Most people nowadays like to give, or to share with others what we call 'words of wisdom', turning them into so - called modern - age philosopher  Little did they know, the hypocrisy is growing inside them, as ironically, most of them didn't walk the talk.

I'm hungry.

halfway through 2013.

A smart man would know how to get the best out of everything that he came across in his life, despite his wants and needs.


A smarter man, on the other hand, knows how to get the best out of everything, and yet chooses the way he likes it to be done. He lived his life to the fullest, and kick the smart man's smartass.


I'm too old for bloggings and shit, I think.

It is already Wednesday. How time flies.

It has been thirteen weeks, or 3 months (and a half, perhaps?) that I've stayed in Malaysia. It's time to go back there, again. It feels just like yesterday that I stepped foot here in Malaysia. 

I hate goodbyes. 

My brain and I loves to quarrel about silly little things. No, I'm not crazy. It's just that I always ponder about things that doesn't even need to be pondered about in the first place. It's unpredictable. Sometimes I wonder if it is a curse, to have this kind of thought. Let me give you an example.

There are three people that are dying from cancer. A kid, an old woman, and an asshole. If I were to met them somehow, in real life, whose live you think I'd try to save? - All of em. But who'd you think survived? - None. 

Why?

Because I'm no doctor.

I even need a doctor myself.

lenoré

only left a few days until 2012 is over. fuck the mayans.



this is where i start, picking where i left off from the last post. everything seemed not fine with me. i find myself to overthink everything. i think i maybe think too much, perhaps. oh, i'm currently in Malaysia too. my home country. i love how heartwarming it felt everytime i stepped outside the plane, it feels just like home. i don't want to be patriotic here, but somehow i couldn't see the pride of being a malaysian on the society here. maybe if they lived off on other countries for a year or two and came back, they would know that Malaysia's always the best place to live in. despite the traffic jams and whatnot. we can tolerate that, don't we.



enough with philosophies. now for some updates. i currently failed a subject, for which i have the most confidence on scoring, which is physics. yes, physics. no, it is not that easy, but it isn't that hard either. most of the questions that i did on past years came out. perhaps i had low carry marks for that subject. funny thing is, the other three electrical, yes electrical, subjects that i had confidence in failing, i passed. this is, perhaps, how life works. you take matter too easily in your hands, and they'll fuck you up. or perhaps the lecturer mark my paper wrongly somehow. i don't know. well, that accounts for two subjects failed in two years. i need to be stronger than now to sustain another two. i couldn't risk another failure. maybe i'll take winter school next year. and the year after that.



enough with studies. how's my life going, you ask? it sucked. the end.



i hate it when you can imagine all you want, what you want, anything and everything and all that in your head, but at the end of the day, it was all just your sweet fantasy. i need to stop hoping. hoping like a sick idiot. i don't even know where i stand anymore. this may be just a game, but somehow my life was.. i don't know. i don't want to go all emo-ish in this post. emo sucks. everything sucks. i prefer just being here, thinking non-stop about her. okay, stop.



sometimes, breathing also becomes a burden. i think i have lost half my will to live.

i feel like carrying the weight of the milky way on my shoulder. seems weightless, yet sounded fucking heavy.


i don't like to talk about my problems. you have yours. i have mine. i'll listen to yours and help you out. but i'm not expecting you to help me too. unless my problems are associated with carry marks. then you're free to help me until the last bit.


i feel sad. fucked up. torn. but it is not fair for others to see me being like this. i shall fake a smile and walk out.


i like being alone. at least i feel peace, knowing i don't have to fake a smile at trees.


i hate complaining. but that's what i do best. besides eating.


i can't sleep lately. it's been two days now that i slept after subuh. luckily i still have the interest to go to lectures. i'm thankful for the conscience You gave me. i hope i won't waste it.


i've ran out of ideas on how to deal with my problem. it is so difficult for me to bear with this. i don't know how he can cope with his problem, and still smile after what happened to him. such a strong-willed guy. i wanted to be like him. but he's sleeping now. should i sleep, too?


i have nothing left to give you.