It is already Wednesday. How time flies.

It has been thirteen weeks, or 3 months (and a half, perhaps?) that I've stayed in Malaysia. It's time to go back there, again. It feels just like yesterday that I stepped foot here in Malaysia. 

I hate goodbyes. 

My brain and I loves to quarrel about silly little things. No, I'm not crazy. It's just that I always ponder about things that doesn't even need to be pondered about in the first place. It's unpredictable. Sometimes I wonder if it is a curse, to have this kind of thought. Let me give you an example.

There are three people that are dying from cancer. A kid, an old woman, and an asshole. If I were to met them somehow, in real life, whose live you think I'd try to save? - All of em. But who'd you think survived? - None. 

Why?

Because I'm no doctor.

I even need a doctor myself.

lenoré

only left a few days until 2012 is over. fuck the mayans.



this is where i start, picking where i left off from the last post. everything seemed not fine with me. i find myself to overthink everything. i think i maybe think too much, perhaps. oh, i'm currently in Malaysia too. my home country. i love how heartwarming it felt everytime i stepped outside the plane, it feels just like home. i don't want to be patriotic here, but somehow i couldn't see the pride of being a malaysian on the society here. maybe if they lived off on other countries for a year or two and came back, they would know that Malaysia's always the best place to live in. despite the traffic jams and whatnot. we can tolerate that, don't we.



enough with philosophies. now for some updates. i currently failed a subject, for which i have the most confidence on scoring, which is physics. yes, physics. no, it is not that easy, but it isn't that hard either. most of the questions that i did on past years came out. perhaps i had low carry marks for that subject. funny thing is, the other three electrical, yes electrical, subjects that i had confidence in failing, i passed. this is, perhaps, how life works. you take matter too easily in your hands, and they'll fuck you up. or perhaps the lecturer mark my paper wrongly somehow. i don't know. well, that accounts for two subjects failed in two years. i need to be stronger than now to sustain another two. i couldn't risk another failure. maybe i'll take winter school next year. and the year after that.



enough with studies. how's my life going, you ask? it sucked. the end.



i hate it when you can imagine all you want, what you want, anything and everything and all that in your head, but at the end of the day, it was all just your sweet fantasy. i need to stop hoping. hoping like a sick idiot. i don't even know where i stand anymore. this may be just a game, but somehow my life was.. i don't know. i don't want to go all emo-ish in this post. emo sucks. everything sucks. i prefer just being here, thinking non-stop about her. okay, stop.



sometimes, breathing also becomes a burden. i think i have lost half my will to live.

i feel like carrying the weight of the milky way on my shoulder. seems weightless, yet sounded fucking heavy.


i don't like to talk about my problems. you have yours. i have mine. i'll listen to yours and help you out. but i'm not expecting you to help me too. unless my problems are associated with carry marks. then you're free to help me until the last bit.


i feel sad. fucked up. torn. but it is not fair for others to see me being like this. i shall fake a smile and walk out.


i like being alone. at least i feel peace, knowing i don't have to fake a smile at trees.


i hate complaining. but that's what i do best. besides eating.


i can't sleep lately. it's been two days now that i slept after subuh. luckily i still have the interest to go to lectures. i'm thankful for the conscience You gave me. i hope i won't waste it.


i've ran out of ideas on how to deal with my problem. it is so difficult for me to bear with this. i don't know how he can cope with his problem, and still smile after what happened to him. such a strong-willed guy. i wanted to be like him. but he's sleeping now. should i sleep, too?


i have nothing left to give you.

the crevasse

i never wanted any of this to happen.

Error: 707

i should study. quit with all the nonsense now.
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shit, i'm sleepy already.
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can't. procrastinate. anymore. zzZZz

Sonia Marra: a Lifetime Memory

it's 6.18 in the morning and my eyes are wiiideee open. blame the energy drink.


recently i read my housemate's blog. i found it to be quite interesting to discover what he had in mind all this while. haha. and he was a sentimental writer. in which the posts he made were of deep value, i think. nevertheless, he always being the quiet one at home. hmm


rindu. aku rindu kau. it sounded scary, right. it's like a monster saying "AKU RINDU KAUUUU bgstvjmffdbjd" but the truth is, i truly missed you. the fact that i called you and didn't know what to say, is stupid. but i didn't regret my action. in fact, i was so thankful that you weren't annoyed by me.


it is hard to maintain friends when you know that you are deeply in love with the other. but i value this friendship. and i was afraid that if i tell her the truth, everything might not be the same again. it feels like a nuclear war in my head. it goes something similar to this:


i miss you (A),
but i'm afraid that the feelings aren't mutual, and if i confess, it will be awkward and blah blah (B)
and she's currently working 9-5 (C)
and i have my studies to take care of (D)
but then again, at the end of the day, i still miss you (A)


and everything goes back from (A) to (D) for about 15-20 times a day. sometimes more, perhaps. i didn't count this -.-


it's 6.37 in the morning. and i was hoping. hoping that she's having a sweet dream.


i love you la gila. i love you like crazy over here. (Z)

question.

why did i fall for you?