desensitization.

nowadays, my life is like hell on earth. back when i was at cendana, i missed my family a lot. but then, just when i reached home, the first thing i get is scold. from smile, slowly it turns to anger. then they pressured me to study for this week as i have a week of hols. my sweet annabel finishes her final paper today. and i think she has arrived home now. i want to meet her so bad. hope we could meet soon. i dont socialize much. even with family, i dont speak much. that's why i get lectures from my mother an hour ago. she said that i need to hang out more with family, as i dont even came out from my room whenever im at home. i really do prefer being alone in my room, i think. no one to talk to. just me and my laptop. i dont think it as pathetic, but more to peacefulness and being able to do something without any problems. desensitization, the title for this post, is defined as the condition for a person to not being aware to violence or fear around him/her in real life. have i started to desensitized? its not that im not being aware to violence around me but perhaps the people around me. i started to stray away from all the people i love. im changing. and everyone starts to notice that. is this cultural shock? i dont know. i want solutions, not bigger problems. now, even small problem can lead to bigger ones. and bigger ones does not show any sign of solutions. i have deleted facebook. facebook is not that addictive, not to me at least. but there is no privacy in there. my sister, my cousins, they all have added me on facebook. just to know what im doing in my daily life. even with family, we need a space for ourselves to be alone. its like, too much attention given is not good you know? by family, i know that they have the rights to know what im doing everyday. but i dont think everything ive done also being accounted for. i need my own privacy. im not being arrogant. im not being selfish. it's just my way of finding the solutions to my problems. i know, when i step out from this room, the first thing i get is hatred stare from my father and gloomy eyes from my mother. is it being disrespectful to say something like that? my father always think that i sleep late every night that i distracts me from my study. in reality it doesnt. i have my own way of studying. and i start to study well just before he starts his lecture to me. he have bad impression towards me, thats a fact. i dont know. im the only son but i think i bring shame to my family. i just want to solve all my problems and live peacefully. and now? i have to sleep my way out as an instant-solution to my ever-growing problems. i should study now. i need to study now.