Save the Queen.
In the early month of this year, I have lost myself in total confusion about life, and the meaning behind it. I was stuck with this problem of mine that I did not share with anyone, not even my parents. It struck me hard, and I fell down deep.
Last semester was probably the semester that I wouldn't know a single shit that I studied. I started to study for the exam the day the study week starts, which is only for a week. And by that, what I meant is, that before the study week commences, I hardly even go to class, tutorials, and sometimes, even lab sessions. that's how far I've lost myself.
Maybe you thought that I was cracking jokes, making up stories about me being lost, and couldn't find myself. Well, truth be told, I don't need to prove anything to anyone. At least, I know it's the truth.
When I went back to Malaysia for winter break, I still have some confusion in myself. I got angry easily, hard to smile, to say the least, I didn't feel like being myself.
When I got back to Sydney, somehow, I think the confusion has cleared. And I felt the feeling of being home. Actually, I tried to memorize the feeling of being at home while in Malaysia so that I wouldn't feel so homesick when I got back to Sydney. Hehe.
And here's the main point of this post. There's this girl. That I didn't remember knowing, who happens to be on my friend list in Facebook. She's pretty, and quite tall, I presume. Well, physical appearances aside, I read her blog yesterday. I don't know if I am too 'syok sendiri' or 'angau' etc, but man, I think she has the same thought about life, like me. I don't know if you get the point, but every time I read a post, I always nodded and smile and say, "yeah, I would do the same as well. lulz!"
But you know. I suck at approaching girls. Really. Dah la tak reti nak borak dgn pompuan, dia duk jauh pulak tu.
But again, she sparks something in me.
I need to meet her. I don't want the friendship to start from Facebook's private message. That feels stupid for me, and annoying for her, I'm sure. At least after we meet, she would know who she's talking with.
My life has aims again, thanks to you. Fizzy - cola.
endeavour.
Most people nowadays like to give, or to share with others what we call 'words of wisdom', turning them into so - called modern - age philosopher Little did they know, the hypocrisy is growing inside them, as ironically, most of them didn't walk the talk.
I'm hungry.
halfway through 2013.
A smart man would know how to get the best out of everything that he came across in his life, despite his wants and needs.
A smarter man, on the other hand, knows how to get the best out of everything, and yet chooses the way he likes it to be done. He lived his life to the fullest, and kick the smart man's smartass.
I'm too old for bloggings and shit, I think.
A smarter man, on the other hand, knows how to get the best out of everything, and yet chooses the way he likes it to be done. He lived his life to the fullest, and kick the smart man's smartass.
I'm too old for bloggings and shit, I think.
It is already Wednesday. How time flies.
It has been thirteen weeks, or 3 months (and a half, perhaps?) that I've stayed in Malaysia. It's time to go back there, again. It feels just like yesterday that I stepped foot here in Malaysia.
I hate goodbyes.
My brain and I loves to quarrel about silly little things. No, I'm not crazy. It's just that I always ponder about things that doesn't even need to be pondered about in the first place. It's unpredictable. Sometimes I wonder if it is a curse, to have this kind of thought. Let me give you an example.
There are three people that are dying from cancer. A kid, an old woman, and an asshole. If I were to met them somehow, in real life, whose live you think I'd try to save? - All of em. But who'd you think survived? - None.
Why?
Because I'm no doctor.
I even need a doctor myself.
lenoré
only left a few days until 2012 is over. fuck the mayans.
this is where i start, picking where i left off from the last post. everything seemed not fine with me. i find myself to overthink everything. i think i maybe think too much, perhaps. oh, i'm currently in Malaysia too. my home country. i love how heartwarming it felt everytime i stepped outside the plane, it feels just like home. i don't want to be patriotic here, but somehow i couldn't see the pride of being a malaysian on the society here. maybe if they lived off on other countries for a year or two and came back, they would know that Malaysia's always the best place to live in. despite the traffic jams and whatnot. we can tolerate that, don't we.
enough with philosophies. now for some updates. i currently failed a subject, for which i have the most confidence on scoring, which is physics. yes, physics. no, it is not that easy, but it isn't that hard either. most of the questions that i did on past years came out. perhaps i had low carry marks for that subject. funny thing is, the other three electrical, yes electrical, subjects that i had confidence in failing, i passed. this is, perhaps, how life works. you take matter too easily in your hands, and they'll fuck you up. or perhaps the lecturer mark my paper wrongly somehow. i don't know. well, that accounts for two subjects failed in two years. i need to be stronger than now to sustain another two. i couldn't risk another failure. maybe i'll take winter school next year. and the year after that.
enough with studies. how's my life going, you ask? it sucked. the end.
i hate it when you can imagine all you want, what you want, anything and everything and all that in your head, but at the end of the day, it was all just your sweet fantasy. i need to stop hoping. hoping like a sick idiot. i don't even know where i stand anymore. this may be just a game, but somehow my life was.. i don't know. i don't want to go all emo-ish in this post. emo sucks. everything sucks. i prefer just being here, thinking non-stop about her. okay, stop.
sometimes, breathing also becomes a burden. i think i have lost half my will to live.
this is where i start, picking where i left off from the last post. everything seemed not fine with me. i find myself to overthink everything. i think i maybe think too much, perhaps. oh, i'm currently in Malaysia too. my home country. i love how heartwarming it felt everytime i stepped outside the plane, it feels just like home. i don't want to be patriotic here, but somehow i couldn't see the pride of being a malaysian on the society here. maybe if they lived off on other countries for a year or two and came back, they would know that Malaysia's always the best place to live in. despite the traffic jams and whatnot. we can tolerate that, don't we.
enough with philosophies. now for some updates. i currently failed a subject, for which i have the most confidence on scoring, which is physics. yes, physics. no, it is not that easy, but it isn't that hard either. most of the questions that i did on past years came out. perhaps i had low carry marks for that subject. funny thing is, the other three electrical, yes electrical, subjects that i had confidence in failing, i passed. this is, perhaps, how life works. you take matter too easily in your hands, and they'll fuck you up. or perhaps the lecturer mark my paper wrongly somehow. i don't know. well, that accounts for two subjects failed in two years. i need to be stronger than now to sustain another two. i couldn't risk another failure. maybe i'll take winter school next year. and the year after that.
enough with studies. how's my life going, you ask? it sucked. the end.
i hate it when you can imagine all you want, what you want, anything and everything and all that in your head, but at the end of the day, it was all just your sweet fantasy. i need to stop hoping. hoping like a sick idiot. i don't even know where i stand anymore. this may be just a game, but somehow my life was.. i don't know. i don't want to go all emo-ish in this post. emo sucks. everything sucks. i prefer just being here, thinking non-stop about her. okay, stop.
sometimes, breathing also becomes a burden. i think i have lost half my will to live.
i feel like carrying the weight of the milky way on my shoulder. seems weightless, yet sounded fucking heavy.
i don't like to talk about my problems. you have yours. i have mine. i'll listen to yours and help you out. but i'm not expecting you to help me too. unless my problems are associated with carry marks. then you're free to help me until the last bit.
i feel sad. fucked up. torn. but it is not fair for others to see me being like this. i shall fake a smile and walk out.
i like being alone. at least i feel peace, knowing i don't have to fake a smile at trees.
i hate complaining. but that's what i do best. besides eating.
i can't sleep lately. it's been two days now that i slept after subuh. luckily i still have the interest to go to lectures. i'm thankful for the conscience You gave me. i hope i won't waste it.
i've ran out of ideas on how to deal with my problem. it is so difficult for me to bear with this. i don't know how he can cope with his problem, and still smile after what happened to him. such a strong-willed guy. i wanted to be like him. but he's sleeping now. should i sleep, too?
i have nothing left to give you.
i don't like to talk about my problems. you have yours. i have mine. i'll listen to yours and help you out. but i'm not expecting you to help me too. unless my problems are associated with carry marks. then you're free to help me until the last bit.
i feel sad. fucked up. torn. but it is not fair for others to see me being like this. i shall fake a smile and walk out.
i like being alone. at least i feel peace, knowing i don't have to fake a smile at trees.
i hate complaining. but that's what i do best. besides eating.
i can't sleep lately. it's been two days now that i slept after subuh. luckily i still have the interest to go to lectures. i'm thankful for the conscience You gave me. i hope i won't waste it.
i've ran out of ideas on how to deal with my problem. it is so difficult for me to bear with this. i don't know how he can cope with his problem, and still smile after what happened to him. such a strong-willed guy. i wanted to be like him. but he's sleeping now. should i sleep, too?
i have nothing left to give you.
Error: 707
i should study. quit with all the nonsense now.
.
.
.
.
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shit, i'm sleepy already.
.
.
.
.
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can't. procrastinate. anymore. zzZZz
.
.
.
.
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shit, i'm sleepy already.
.
.
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.
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can't. procrastinate. anymore. zzZZz
Sonia Marra: a Lifetime Memory
it's 6.18 in the morning and my eyes are wiiideee open. blame the energy drink.
recently i read my housemate's blog. i found it to be quite interesting to discover what he had in mind all this while. haha. and he was a sentimental writer. in which the posts he made were of deep value, i think. nevertheless, he always being the quiet one at home. hmm
rindu. aku rindu kau. it sounded scary, right. it's like a monster saying "AKU RINDU KAUUUU bgstvjmffdbjd" but the truth is, i truly missed you. the fact that i called you and didn't know what to say, is stupid. but i didn't regret my action. in fact, i was so thankful that you weren't annoyed by me.
it is hard to maintain friends when you know that you are deeply in love with the other. but i value this friendship. and i was afraid that if i tell her the truth, everything might not be the same again. it feels like a nuclear war in my head. it goes something similar to this:
i miss you (A),
but i'm afraid that the feelings aren't mutual, and if i confess, it will be awkward and blah blah (B)
and she's currently working 9-5 (C)
and i have my studies to take care of (D)
but then again, at the end of the day, i still miss you (A)
and everything goes back from (A) to (D) for about 15-20 times a day. sometimes more, perhaps. i didn't count this -.-
it's 6.37 in the morning. and i was hoping. hoping that she's having a sweet dream.
i love you la gila. i love you like crazy over here. (Z)
recently i read my housemate's blog. i found it to be quite interesting to discover what he had in mind all this while. haha. and he was a sentimental writer. in which the posts he made were of deep value, i think. nevertheless, he always being the quiet one at home. hmm
rindu. aku rindu kau. it sounded scary, right. it's like a monster saying "AKU RINDU KAUUUU bgstvjmffdbjd" but the truth is, i truly missed you. the fact that i called you and didn't know what to say, is stupid. but i didn't regret my action. in fact, i was so thankful that you weren't annoyed by me.
it is hard to maintain friends when you know that you are deeply in love with the other. but i value this friendship. and i was afraid that if i tell her the truth, everything might not be the same again. it feels like a nuclear war in my head. it goes something similar to this:
i miss you (A),
but i'm afraid that the feelings aren't mutual, and if i confess, it will be awkward and blah blah (B)
and she's currently working 9-5 (C)
and i have my studies to take care of (D)
but then again, at the end of the day, i still miss you (A)
and everything goes back from (A) to (D) for about 15-20 times a day. sometimes more, perhaps. i didn't count this -.-
it's 6.37 in the morning. and i was hoping. hoping that she's having a sweet dream.
i love you la gila. i love you like crazy over here. (Z)
Mark I
piles of assignments. quizzes. fucks.
so much things to do.
so little time.
yet i understand so little.
i wanted to turn the tables and start studying my ass off. but it seemed that my brain disagrees with me.
this is, by far, the worst procrastination that i've ever made.
sweetheart, you're sadly mistaken.
the reason i'm still writing blog posts is not because i'm a depressed, lonely boy over a girl that he has a crush on. no dear. we have bigger problems than that.
one of the reasons i still hold on to this blog is to see where i am now in my life. i get lost easily, and i need directions. like seriously.
people have lots of different reasons to wake up in the morning. i've just lost mine.
one of the reasons i still hold on to this blog is to see where i am now in my life. i get lost easily, and i need directions. like seriously.
people have lots of different reasons to wake up in the morning. i've just lost mine.
half a fortnight
mindless soul, wandering around this city as other people starts to sleep. looking at the time, it's half past 4 already. and they started playing cards. funny how i got into it after insisting it for quite some time. a card game, a cigarette, a hit. then another game, another stick, another hit. and it's being going for almost a week already. i wonder when will i hit the limit. maybe not for the time being.
Ddean answered the call.
"Halo haloooo~ manoi?"
"satgi la. depa mau gerak pkui ropa?"
"taktau. hg mai la sini dulu"
it always confuses me why i'm always looking for them, and when i'm with them, i just felt like hanging out all alone by myself. stupid mindfuck brain. i just hope for the best for the apocalypse tonight. i need to stock up candies first. amir and yunus finished it all last night -.-
long thoughts and self - reflections wouldn't help me escape this abyss. henceforth i just stopped hoping and started to mingle with this feeling of lostness and despair. emotional as it seemed, i still feel nothing inside. there's a void in my heart. and i don't know how to fill it in. it's hard not to feel all mellow-ish as i haven't felt happy for awhile. satisfied, maybe sometimes. but not happy. happy is when i smile from cheek to cheek (pipi ke pipi) haha.
this feeling is bothersome. but i'm too lazy to do anything with it. i'm lazy to do anything actually. i'm better off dead. but then it would be troublesome for my relatives to attend my funeral later on.
maybe i'm better off to sleep.
Ddean answered the call.
"Halo haloooo~ manoi?"
"satgi la. depa mau gerak pkui ropa?"
"taktau. hg mai la sini dulu"
it always confuses me why i'm always looking for them, and when i'm with them, i just felt like hanging out all alone by myself. stupid mindfuck brain. i just hope for the best for the apocalypse tonight. i need to stock up candies first. amir and yunus finished it all last night -.-
long thoughts and self - reflections wouldn't help me escape this abyss. henceforth i just stopped hoping and started to mingle with this feeling of lostness and despair. emotional as it seemed, i still feel nothing inside. there's a void in my heart. and i don't know how to fill it in. it's hard not to feel all mellow-ish as i haven't felt happy for awhile. satisfied, maybe sometimes. but not happy. happy is when i smile from cheek to cheek (pipi ke pipi) haha.
this feeling is bothersome. but i'm too lazy to do anything with it. i'm lazy to do anything actually. i'm better off dead. but then it would be troublesome for my relatives to attend my funeral later on.
maybe i'm better off to sleep.
saturday
i finally understand what she meant. it's basically just what i had in mind. but i'm just too tired to express sadness.
here you all equally worthless!
how i wish everything is as simple as getting high.
here you all equally worthless!
how i wish everything is as simple as getting high.
joints of junctions
unfamiliar with corsets and names, i still find myself indulged in the complexity of your short and forthcomings. hence the denial.
i didn't go to class again today. and i didn't feel any guilty conscience. i reckon i started to make this a habit of my own. a bad one, that is.
for about a good six years, i didn't notice that she was having a hard time, almost like mellow was her cup of tea. her best friend. and i just happen to know this last night, as i became a true stalker.
despite everything i've read, i still love her deeply. i think i have problems with my own feelings.
T minus 1 second before i started making stupid decisions, again.
i didn't go to class again today. and i didn't feel any guilty conscience. i reckon i started to make this a habit of my own. a bad one, that is.
for about a good six years, i didn't notice that she was having a hard time, almost like mellow was her cup of tea. her best friend. and i just happen to know this last night, as i became a true stalker.
despite everything i've read, i still love her deeply. i think i have problems with my own feelings.
T minus 1 second before i started making stupid decisions, again.
ephemeral
is what i think i'm having these few weeks back. it's funny how some people are actually feeling the same way as you do, despite the fact that he/she didn't even know you're existed.
last week. things started to get crazy the moment Yunus finished his tutorial on Friday evening, and everything went all downhill from there when Amir and the Abercrombies joined -____- bukan salah kau pun Yunus. let it be haha.
i need to step back into reality more often now. i need to take responsibility for everything. lately i've been feeling like, i don't know. sooo empty. i don't get the excitedness of seeing morning sunshine anymore. it's like there's nothing there. nada. i don't think i have any wills left inside me. crushed as i may seem, i still want to live -___- i don't wanna daii. haha. not just yet, insyaAllah.
it's 3.42 am in the morning. and i don't feel sleepy at all. just some random thoughts going in and out of my mind.
this is really not good. what is happening to me?
last week. things started to get crazy the moment Yunus finished his tutorial on Friday evening, and everything went all downhill from there when Amir and the Abercrombies joined -____- bukan salah kau pun Yunus. let it be haha.
i need to step back into reality more often now. i need to take responsibility for everything. lately i've been feeling like, i don't know. sooo empty. i don't get the excitedness of seeing morning sunshine anymore. it's like there's nothing there. nada. i don't think i have any wills left inside me. crushed as i may seem, i still want to live -___- i don't wanna daii. haha. not just yet, insyaAllah.
it's 3.42 am in the morning. and i don't feel sleepy at all. just some random thoughts going in and out of my mind.
this is really not good. what is happening to me?
premature ventricular contraction
i want to change the lifestyle that i'm living on. from now on, i'll go to class. be a normal student as other healthy, normal student should be. but, at the same time, i'll continue to be who i am now. it's like living a double life, perhaps. those who know me here would understand what i'm talking about.
the existence of the newly bought (codename: Apple) has given me many opportunities to do what i do best. plus, it is quite easy for me to get (codename: candy) from my friends. the only thing that's keeping me from not doing it was myself. it was too easy to create a new session anywhere, anytime now. and i'm quite aware of that. but i'm still a student :( why should i be like this? shit. i hate self-reflecting.
it's already 2.37 pm here. i have lab session at 4. i need to decide, either to be a student, or to be the other option.
i think i'll take both. will update soon the result of taking both ways -_____-
the existence of the newly bought (codename: Apple) has given me many opportunities to do what i do best. plus, it is quite easy for me to get (codename: candy) from my friends. the only thing that's keeping me from not doing it was myself. it was too easy to create a new session anywhere, anytime now. and i'm quite aware of that. but i'm still a student :( why should i be like this? shit. i hate self-reflecting.
it's already 2.37 pm here. i have lab session at 4. i need to decide, either to be a student, or to be the other option.
i think i'll take both. will update soon the result of taking both ways -_____-
the King
i think i've become too ignorant lately.
i haven't seen sunshine for awhile now. woke up just to see another night. i wonder, will i continue to live my life like this?
and they said that studying can be considered as a job. well, i usually work at night. and sleep during the day. sometimes i pity myself. biological clock of mine has gone haywire.
sometimes i would ask myself, why did i choose this path? i've become the man i least wanted to be when i was still a little kid. i know that we all became different when we grow up. but i knew that i can be better than this. better than who i am now. but i choose to remain this way. i choose to be the same.
the cold shivering night weeps as i light up another cigarrete. as i stare at the moon, i ask myself a question.
will i be able to endure this dark life that i'm living in?
i haven't seen sunshine for awhile now. woke up just to see another night. i wonder, will i continue to live my life like this?
and they said that studying can be considered as a job. well, i usually work at night. and sleep during the day. sometimes i pity myself. biological clock of mine has gone haywire.
sometimes i would ask myself, why did i choose this path? i've become the man i least wanted to be when i was still a little kid. i know that we all became different when we grow up. but i knew that i can be better than this. better than who i am now. but i choose to remain this way. i choose to be the same.
the cold shivering night weeps as i light up another cigarrete. as i stare at the moon, i ask myself a question.
will i be able to endure this dark life that i'm living in?
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